Some people say optimism is for the weak who can’t handle the truth. Cancer patients like my uncle, who are near death, holding on to that last granule of hope. I think those pessimistic people just fail to understand that reality of miracles. Maybe they have never been blessed as I have been. Even if it is easier to hang the white flag and give up on a potential positive future I choose to be a positive, strong, and extremely optimistic person. There was a time when even though I had seen miracle after miracle I was too upset with the struggles that I was facing to find hope. In the midst of ny despair all I had strength to do was cry but even then I was aware that such mentality was much more weak than dusting my shoulders off and preparing to fight another day. It seemed so little to me, so utterly humiliating to know you are a blessing walking yet have no fight left in you and crumble from weakness. It disgusted me. I disgusted me. I knew I was greater. There was a soldier inside of me but there was also a murderer. This murderer was ninja-like, so stealthy in its slaughtering of my faith. On one of my weakest days the soldier and I had a meeting. At this meeting we confronted every one of my downfalls, every short coming, and every single moment that I triumphed despite the adversity that I met on a day to day basis. Among those things was the Spina Bifida, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and severe anxiety. This soldier explained to me that even though doctors told me I may never walk again after each of my four back surgeries, it was me who had the strength to say they were bullshit artists with a license to hand out drugs, and wake up and practice my exercises everyday. It was me who made it a trend to be in a wheelchair on a hospital floor full of dying children just so we could have an excuse to race down the hallways, tag a winner every night, and throw a celebration with the awesome night nurses. I was the now walking soldier who created the atmosphere of my environment because I always could understand that there were those around me who had things worse and I felt it was my job to use what strength I had in me to make what lives they had left a joy. There was only one problem. Helping others may bring you joy but it is a total fail in helping yourself. In creating a soldier for others I created a ninja assassin inside of me. I am extra critical of myself in general so knowing at a young age that you don’t have it as bad as some made me critically bash myself as a way to be happy about my situation. That only made me feel shittier that I didn’t have as bad a situation but I felt just as bad. As an adult self realization is hard because it takes you back to when your bad habits were formed. You feel just like a child again. Scared, alone, angry, and totally freaked out you are learning something new that you thought up all on your own. (In my case the soldier was explaining this but I created the soldier so I definitely take the credit). After feeling like elephant crap, feeling like more elephant crap, then feeling like I was pretty damn awesome, I stopped the self realization part of the meeting and went straight to special ops. Topic at hand: ” how to kill a ninja asssassin”. I had the soldier stumped on that one. We both sat perplexed for some time until I started to think like a child. Some may laugh and say ” how would a child be strong enough to beat a ninja assassin?!” Well, being me, a soldier, a person with a disability, and a very experienced babysitter, I have had my share of battles with children, thankfully I have my moments where I can switch my child brain on, so I have won 99% of all of said battles. The uniqueness of the mind of a child stems from their ability to bend the rules of reality to fit any given situation but somehow they make whatever amendment to those rules sound completely justifiable. I said to the soldier ”I made you up, and the ninja assassin. Subconsciously. Yet you two affect my day to day activities. You even show up in my dreams. Dreams affect how we feel when we are awake as well. The only difference is, in my dreams I am in complete control. I can kill the ninja assassin since in reality it’s just a thought, and I never have to deal with that negativity again, either in my dreams or in reality.” Since the soldier was all out of ideas mine seemed like the best one but it was preceeded by a question. ” What are you going to do if this ninja assassin desides it’s going to try and judo chop your mind in reality after you kill it in your dreams?” That is when the child mind went to work. ” well, I’ll just go predator on it and disappear. How can you judo chop an invisible alien?” I have never had an issue with negative ninja assassin since and any time I sense it may be lurking I disppear, get my meditation and relaxation on and within a few days I am back to feeling unstopable again. For those of you who may not know what a miracle looks like. Wake up, look in the mirror, and you will see one. Every child who survives coming out of the dark, wet, solitary confinement cell of a womb is a miracle. So smile today.